please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
