My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
