Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
We are all done wearing pants today
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