A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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