I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize