I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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