btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
