and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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