look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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