my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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