Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
