Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize