woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize