I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
