matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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