Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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