so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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