Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize