So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
