I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
