i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
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