He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
