I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
