What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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