Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
