If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
