Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
