after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
