i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
