I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Holy shit dude........stairs
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
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