I will die if light touches me.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
