You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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