I seem to have left my pride at pride
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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