My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
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