I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
