oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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