he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Randomize
