last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
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