can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
well you can't waste a boner
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
