So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Randomize
