Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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