4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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