Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
