i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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