Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
