You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
