You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
