And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
