My first STD was from a foam party
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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