We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
