I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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