it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
