There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
