I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize