Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize