I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
