he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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